My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.