The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!