Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
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Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I wish I could veto my bills.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.