99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
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*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
so much to do
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‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
This bar smells like my childhood.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”