99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
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me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.