This bar smells like my childhood.
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
that de-escalated quickly
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.