I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
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The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
quarantine day 3
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me