Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My brain is a bad influence on me
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.