Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son