[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Chicken bread
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man