I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school