Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

one week till the election

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”