One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
who did the taste test?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department