Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her