Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
You Might Also Like
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Anyone want a chair?