if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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Expectations vs. Reality
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Meeeee too!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme