NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
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glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”