My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
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Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
sleeping beauty
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.