MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.