Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
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Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.