Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
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I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.