I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.