I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Friday
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God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
good morning
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.