why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
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GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.