“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it


GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*



*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*


My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.


Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”


Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.


I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.


Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.


Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should


I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.