Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
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Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.