Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The three genders
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED