I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
That earthquake could have been an email.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
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