That earthquake could have been an email.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I am having an out of money experience.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.