My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
lmao
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.