I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]