Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

Anyone want a chair?

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse