@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

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@NikiWithIssues

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

@lisaxy424

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

@AnOrangeSNES

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

@mydmac

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

@CatherineLMK

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

@everywhereist

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

@whatsJo

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

@Mardigroan

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

@SabrinaAsh4

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say