My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
You Might Also Like
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine