I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
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her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.