I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
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box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me