Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!