The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Not today, today.
Not today.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
peeping toms
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.