Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
You Might Also Like
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
🤣🤣💀
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I’ll be mad as hell!
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.