hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
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Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢