A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
podcasts
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000