I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
WTF IS THAT!
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend: