Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else