Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”