What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”