Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”