Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Monday?
No. Next question.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Google assistant rules
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc