I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Mission: Impossible
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt