[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Fights fire with marshmallows
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.