[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
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[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire