Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.