hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Monday
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Terribly Tuesday.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf