Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.