“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
You Might Also Like
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
just gave your address to some spiders
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol