Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
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Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
At least he brought enough for everyone
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.